The funniest jokes on the net

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

What's the difference between men and beer? When you're done with the beer it's still worth 5 cents.

I lost my phone number. Could I have yours?

A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender walks over and says, ''I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve your kind here.'' The mushroom sits back and asks ,''Why not? I'm a

    A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sittin…

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?" "No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The barten…

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking. 4. Your doct…

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, ''Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink.'' The bartender gets him a drink. Bob says, ''Donkeyboy, get me another drink.'' The bartender gets him another drink. Finally J…

Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common? A: They're all married.

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into…

Did you hear Mike Tyson invented a beer? It's called Nick-A-Lobe

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up!

Four blondes went to the bar in their pick-up. Three sat up in the cab and one sat in the bed of the truck. The three blondes were in the bar for about an hour before the fourth finally came in, loo…

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. ''Don't worry!'' says the driver to his friend, ''…

Bloke walks into a pub with a cheese sandwich under his arm. 'A pint of Guinness and a half for the cheese sandwich?' he says to the barman. 'I'm sorry, sir,' comes the reply, 'we don't serve fo

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. He chugged that one, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another b…

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to…

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers." The bartender obliges him. The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers." So the bartender gives him two more beers. …

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm. One drunk says to the other drunk, �Did you sleep with my wife last night?� To which the other drunk replies, �Not a wink.�

If it weren't for the olives in martinis, yo' mama would starve to death.

A man walks into a bar with a sandwich on his shoulder. The bartender turns, looks at him and says, ''Sorry sir, we don't serve food here!!''

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. ''I can't do that, officer.'' ''Why not?'' ''Because I'…

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if…

Q: What's the difference between a beer and a woman? A: You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH …

A policeman stops a motorist and says, ''Excuse me sir, have you been drinking?'' The motorist says, ''Why, have I got a fat girl next to me?''

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

Two men were in a pub. One man said, "Did you know that beer contains female hormones?" The other man said, "No! Is it true?" "Yes," said the first man. "If you drink too much, you start talking c

Did you hear about the man who got drunk? It was his own fault for sitting in a teacup!